Sometimes, I get hurt on what you say.

You don't even bother to say sorry.

Sometimes, I hate forgiving you.

I want to slap you.

coz...

Hope, before you say those words to me,

you'll get realized what I really feel inside.

A Real Friend for Me

"A  Real Friend is someone you can be alone with and have nothing to do and not be able to think of anything to say and be comfortable in the silence"

Someone asked me today, what is real friendship for me. Well, thinking about my friends over the years, I realize that in the past, where I would just one very close friend that I shared my secrets with and spent all my time with, I never looked to find more friends. For me one friend is enough. But as time passes by, and as I get along with others, I've noticed that some of them became to be my friends. I'm not used to have people around me, actually I used to avoid social scene. I prefer to be alone some time. Well, that's what Cancer in me. Haha!. Then as time went by, and maturity covers me, (well, i'm not sure if i am matured enough! wink*) I came to know that it's good to have more friends, in a different level of friendship. I have shallow and distant friendship. Where you would just hang up with and if there are times that you just want to have a good time. But it's really more different that you have friend where more likely is a kind of friend that you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had! A kind of friend that you can turn to whenever you need companion, even you don't say a word he/she would understand you from your silence.

Well, now It's a mix of both, I do have those close friends whom I trusted so much and shared lots of things about me and also I do have friends whom I only socialize with. But I love them all! They are all gifts for me, a blessings. Without them I couldn't imagine myself. Living alone in my own world, (not so bad.)

 I don't think I answered the question "what is real friendship for me". In my own opinion, is one who will be there in your most hard time, the one who tries to be there for you whenever you need them, and if they were unable to, they would tell you and they would explain the reason at least you know that they tried. The one who will not push you to do the things you don't want to, or to answer a question you don't want to answer and they would patiently wait you until you are ready enough. And someone who doesn't talk behind your back.

My Past (Is there Something)

Every time na naririnig ko yung song ni Christopher Cross na "Is there Something" hindi ko maiwasan na hindi maalala yung past ko sa kanya. I don't know pero nalulungkot ako kasi hindi naging successful yung naging relation naming dalawa noong kami pa. I still remember when I asked him...

"May problem po ba?" tanong ko..

"Ha? wala. Bakit mo naman naitanong?"

Pagkasabi nya ng salitang yun, tinitigan ko sya sa kanyang mga mata, I want to know if the words he was telling to me was all true, pero hindi ko maramdaman yun. Parang iba..

"Lately I see clouds of sorrow in your eyes

some deep sadness you can never quite disguise

now, I'm scared to ask what it's leading to

but I'm more afraid of not asking you..."

Gusto kong malaman ang totoo, pero natatakot ako. I was so afraid to know all about it. Natatakot ako na baka masaktan ako sa malalaman ko. Minsan magkasama kami and he held my hand, and he sang to me our favorite song. Nakayoko ako nun while I'm listening, hindi ko namalayan na tumulo na pala ang luha ko, naramdaman nya yung luhang pumatak sa mata ko patungo sa kamay nya na nakahawak sa kamay ko. Pagkatapos nun, hinawakan nya yung baba ko para itaas ang mukha ko upang makita nya, then he asked me, "Honey, why are you crying?" nagulat ako, kaya bigla kong pinusan yung luha sa pisngi ko, then I smiled, "Ha? wala, na-touched lang ako sa ginawa mo" Tumingin sya sa akin then pagkatapos nun bigla nya akong niyakap at kiniss sa noo. Mas lalo kong naramdaman ang lungkot nung ginawa nya yun, naisip ko, "bakit ganon? kasama kita ngayon, pero bakit pakiramdam ko napakalayo ng puso mo sa akin, hindi ko maramdaman.." pero ang mga iyon ay nasabi ko na lamang sa aking sarili. Hindi ko magawang sabihin sa kanya ng harapan dahil natatakot ako sa maaari kong malaman sa isasagot nya.

Alam kong meron ng iba sa puso nya, unti-unti ko ng nararamdaman ang coldness nya sa akin na halos ikamatay ng puso ko. Lungkot na hindi ko malaman kung ano ang dapat kong gawin.

"You've got secrets you've been keeping for too long

and I'm going crazy acting like there's nothing wrong

I can taste the truth every time we kiss

and I can't go on

At least not like this"

"Is there something that you want to tell me?

Is there something that I ought to know?

Are we something that's still worth fighting for

Or should I simply let you go...

Is there something I can do to reach you?

Are we something more than history

Is there something left of You and Me"

Hanggang dumating ang araw na sobrang nagpagunaw ng mundo ko ng sabihin nya sa akin na gusto na muna nya ng "space and time". Tinanong ko sya kung bakit, bakit kelangan nya nun, at ano ba ang dapat kong gawin to make him stay with me. Pero bigo ako na maibalik sya sa buhay ko, dahil sya na mismo mo ang unang bumitaw sa aming pangako sa isa't-isa.

"I don't want to lose you

but what's the use of holding on

I don't really have you

If the feeling is gone...

"Is there something I can do to reach you

Are we something more than history

If there's no way to convince you to stay

and be the way we used to be

Then there's something that I want to tell you

And I want you to believe It's true

We had something that I'll never forget

even If i wanted to

Cause part of me will always be with you..."

At ngayon, alam kong hindi na maibabalik ang kahapon. Isang kahapon na nagdulot ng pait at sakit sa aking damdamin. At ngayon natuto na ako kung paano makabalik sa dati na hindi na sya parte ng buhay ko. Salamat sa isang taong nagbigay ng pag-asa at tumulong upang mabura sa aking alala ang aking malungkot na nakaraan. Salamat at dumating ka sa buhay ko.

I Hate you...

I hate you..
    when you walk by my side without looking at me.
    when you don't talk to me.
    when you are mad.
    when you are not around.
 I hate you...   
    when you are with someone else.
    when you are busy with someone else.
    when you are not looking at me.
    when you are not around.
I hate you...
    when you are cold.
    when you are not holding me.
    when you are not kissing me.
    when you are not hugging me.
I hate you...   
    when you are not talking to me.
    when you are sad.
    when you are crying. 
    when you are near but yet so far.


Most of all...


I hate my self!


I HATE the feelings of being so much in love with you.. :(

Let Me Be The One

"If it is a dream then I'd rather not to wake up anymore. For it is the only way I can be with you, with no doubt, no fear in my heart but a trust that someday you'll be mine and a lifetime together just you and me.."

Let me be the one

That you'll hold forever

In your search for love

Let me be the answer

Take me in your arm

And never let me go

Let me be the only love your heart will know.

If you gave your heart

I'll give you all of me

Say the words and I'll be yours completely

If you ask me too

I'd spend my life with you

Let me be the one your heart surrenders too

Let me be the only one

That you will love forevermore

And I will be with you for sure to love you even more

Let me be the only one

Beside you till forever

And I will leave you never

Just let me be the one.

Say that you'll be mine

And I'll be yours alone

'Till the end of time

Your life will be my home

Promise to be true

To you and only you

Let me be the one you'll keep your whole life through

A Perfect Partner

I feel lucky every time when I'm with you

A perfect partner in LIFE is someone you can be with and talk about anything without realizing that the day was over. Someone who will always LISTEN & FEEL twice the joy or pain you're going through. When you start to feel that "connection" never let it GO because there is more to COMPANIONSHIP than to LOVE only. Because in the end when all else fails and are consumed, you will always hold on to those times when you don't even need to hear the words "I LOVE YOU".

Hindi ko malimutan

Noong una ko syang nakita, akala ko bata.. hahaha! Siguro dahil sa ayos lang nya na parang istudyante na nag-cutting class. Naka t-shirt, may suot na sombrero at naka rubber shoes at nakasabit sa likod nya ang kanyang back-pack (hahaha!) nagkatinginan kami nun ng sabay pareho. Pero deadma lang, kunwari di ko sya gaanong napansin. Noong una sa tuwing magkikita kami, nagtatanguan lang kami at nagngingitian, na parang sinasabing.. "oh hi!" pagkatapos nun wala na. Sumunod na pagkikita namin, nagkabatian na kami. Parang maihahalintulad yung pagkakakilala naming iyon sa isang lyrics ng kanta:

"No'ng tayo'y nagkakilala nang hindi sinasadya

Ikaw lang ang napansin, nahuli sa isang tingin

At sa pagbati mong napaka-lambing.."

Nang sumunod na mga buwan, nagkakausap na kami. Sa dalas naming nagkakausap, nararamdaman ko na unti-unti ng nahuhulog ang loob ko sa kanya. Makulit sya, mahilig magpatawa at kahit minsan OA na ung mga patawa nya, hindi ko maintindihan sa sarili ko kung bakit natatawa pa rin ako. Sa aming dalawa ako ang maraming kwento sa tuwing magkikita kami. Lagi ko syang kinukwentuhan ng kung ano-ano lang. Mga nangyari ng buong araw. Minsan nasabi ko pa nga habang magkausap kami, "ang dami ko ng kwento, napakadaldal ko talaga.."  Pagkatapos tumawa sya nun sa sinabi ko, ang sagot pa nya, "Hahahaha! Mas ok nga yun eh, naaaliw ako sayo". Then tumawa lang ako nun, tas sinabi pa nya, "Wala rin naman kasi akong masabi sayo eh.. hehe!" At hindi ko malilimutan ang araw na maramdaman ko na mahal ko na sya, parang katulad ng awit na ito:

"Hindi ko malimutan kung kailan nagsimulang

Matuto kung papa'no magmahal

At di ko malimutan kung kailan ko natikman

Ang una mong halik, yakap na napakahigpit

pag-ibig mong tunay hanggang langit."

At ngayon, hindi ko lubos maisip na mamahalin ko sya ng sya lang at wala na akong ibang nakikita. Minsan naiisip ko na subukan kong ibaling sa iba ang nararamdaman ko dahil natatakot akong umasa sa kanya ng sobra, pero kahit anong gawin ko sya pa rin at sya ang laman na isip ko.. 

"Hindi ko malimutan kung kailan nagsimulang

matutong ikaw lang ang mahalin

At di ko malimutan kung kailan ko natikman

Ang tamis ng iyong halik, yakap na napaka higpit

Pag-ibig mong tunay hanggang langit..."

Ayokong umasa na ako ang pipiliin nya sa huli, ayokong masaktan tulad ng naranasan ko na dati. Ayokong isipin na sya na ang para sa akin, dahil ayokong sa bandang huli manghinayang ako. Lagi ko na lang sinasabi sa sarili ko na "kung kami, kami talaga. Ano man ang mangyari.."